A week ago today, I said to my husband, “I am done!” I’m sure after 15 years of marriage to me that in his head he prayed, “not again Lord!” …meaning, we are on another crazy ride with the bride! I didn’t say done with what, and I sure didn’t mean done with him or our marriage. I wasn’t hen-pecking him or offering one ounce of advice on anything I thought he could do to bring me happiness. I was just very quiet (which is rare and quite scary for the ones that are around me or live with me!).
Today, the tears began to fall. They were uncontrollable and unexplainable. This feeling that I started having a few days ago stayed with me, lingered in my brain, and wouldn’t go away for several days. My husband and I are now living in a house we just built; a 14 year goal of ours. The process of building went quickly and smoothly. However, last weekend I realized that this completed dream of ours brought me no joy! This amazingly sweet and cute husband brought me no joy! The two children I birthed into this world, again, provided me no joy! If I said it or thought it once… I said it or thought it a hundred times! I said it out loud and to myself, “I. Am. Done.” Then I would ask myself, “Done with what?” (Yes, I talk to myself, and yes, I do answer!)
I had no vision of leaving, being with anyone else, walking away or doing harm to myself, so I kept asking, “Done with what?” I didn’t go to church with the family last Sunday. I was emotionally numb! I was spiritually bankrupt! I didn’t understand this because I, for the first time in my Christian walk, have had a consistent quiet time with the Lord for the last three years. I thought if I stayed home and didn’t go to church, I would have time to think and just be alone. Since I started homeschooling in the fall, I have had very few “alone” moments. I dwelled on how empty I felt.
The Lord led me to this passage…The Parable of Talents found in Mathew 25:14-29. These verses tell of three people who had each received three amounts of “talents” (meaning money), and they each did something different with their talent/money. The one who had been given the least hid his talent/money. These two verses spoke volumes to me … verses 29-30: “For to everyone who has will be given more, and he will have abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. And throw that worthless servant outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”
I am no Bible scholar and cannot explain the meaning of the terms talent/money, but I can tell you, I thought, “Oh Lord, this is me!” I have been thrown outside into the darkness! I knew deep down I have hidden my talents! I surrendered a year ago to full time women’s ministry, and that wasn’t the first time I knew God wanted me to serve. Understand that four years ago, I was going to teach a women’s Sunday school class at our home church where my husband and I had taught children’s church for five years. Within days of my first Sunday to teach, I failed terribly in my Christian walk. In the past four years, God has shown me mighty things, but Satan has also attacked me so much that there were days I thought he “had” me, and I couldn’t make it through. BUT, GOD has been so good! I often wonder if I failed and did not pass the “test” because it was something God was in and my flesh wasn’t? Or, did I fail because it was me that wanted it and God wasn’t in it? Regardless, I do know God has shown up and has shown out so much in my life and I will not hide that!
Tuesday of this week (Holy Week), my boys and I attended a midweek service at church. There was a silent prayer of confession in our handout. And that’s when it hit me! As I read, “I have so miserably profaned my gifts, turning them against God’s Divine Majesty.” I got it! I am done! Done with what? I am done hiding my gifts and talents!
God has given me opportunities. He has opened some doors and closed some doors. But, regardless, I have to be willing to die to self, grow in Him, be obedient to His work, and do what is His will for my life.
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